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Tips - Top Ten Mistakes to Avoid When Choosing an Au Pair
Top Ten Mistakes Host Parents Make When Choosing an Au Pair
A surge in parents hiring au pairs is happening in this country, depsite the weak economy. There is a 37% increase in the number of au pairs recruited by American au pair agencies since 2004! The low cost is driving the trend. A frustrating fact for many host parents seeking to employ an au pair is getting factual information about the au pair industry, how one chooses a good au pair with child experience. All the agencies basically tell consumers the same: our au pairs are screened carefully, can drive well and speak good English. What the agencies don't share with parents is that many au pairs slip through the screening process and do not drive, cannot speak English, do not have childcare experience and often come to the USA with a different agenda that being an au pair! Read our tips for avoiding the most common mistakes host parents make when choosing an au pair:
Mistake 10: Not Reviewing An Agency’s Qualifications. If you choose a program because it is cheap, you may be placing your children at risk. You should ask hard questions about how the girls are screened (ask about criminal background checks and psychological testing). The agency should be registered with the Department of State (DOS).
Mistake 9: Not Taking the Time to Check the Application Thoroughly. Each agency will send you an application for each au pair you are interested in. Many host parents make the mistake of not making the most of this material. If all applications from one country basically read the same, I would question the agent’s ability to screen the au pair on the important dimensions – personality, English speaking skills, driving skills and childcare experience. Follow up on references and read the interview carefully.
Tip: Look at the date when the au pair received her driving license and this will tell you how many years experience she has behind the wheel. Thai young women typically do not drive but they are required to get their license when applying to become an au pair. All Thai au pairs will be 21 and over yet typically the date on the license will only be a few months old – this tells you they have no or minimal driving experience.
Mistake 8: Not Reading between the Lines of the Au Pair’s Host Family Letter. Each au pair writes a letter to her prospective host parent and her letter can be very revealing even before you speak to the au pair. Her letter gives you a sense of her ability to express herself in English and what kind of personality she has. What are her reasons for leaving her home? Does she come from an intact family who are close? Does she have siblings? If the au pair’s letter expresses positive statements about herself, her family and about children in general, read the rest of the application. If the letter does not have these elements, skip it and move onto the next application.
Tip: Does her letter express a “sunny” and positive personality that may indicate she has good self-esteem and a secure sense of self-identity? Or does the au pair reveal potential emotional issues? An au pair who starts a letter with “My name is Anne and my father left my family when I was age 7” may be telling you she has issues with her father abandoning her and there may be discord in the family – you don’t want a young girl experiencing emotional turmoil taking care of your children and living in your home.
Mistake 7: Not Conducting a Phone Interview with the Prospective Au Pair. You must call any au pair you are interested in! This phone call is critical to the success of your year with an au pair. Many times we have heard from host moms that they were too busy to call the au pairs! They said they “emailed the girl many times” and were confident the au pair was the “one.” These host moms are usually very disappointed and ask for a rematch soon after the girl arrives. Once you have the girl on the line, may sure you ask her specific questions that represent real situations that are likely to occur. Her responses will give you a window into her personality, cultural differences and her ability to think quickly on her feet. Does she sound mature, responsible and flexible? If you like the answers and like the au pair, call her multiple times before you make a decision – at least a minimum of three – four phone calls. Each time you call her, you will find out more about her qualifications and personality.
Tip: Present a few practical problems: “My child becomes ill and I am at work. I told you to call me at work when my son is sick and I provided you with my number, but when you call, I am in a meeting. What would you do in this situation?” “We do not use corporal punishment in our home. One child behaves very badly while we are at work and deserves a spanking. What do you do?” “We require our au pairs to be in by 10 pm on work nights and when you are working the next day. How do you feel about that?” “What do you plan to do on weekends and on your time off?”
Tip: Not sure what the time difference is when you are planning to make the calls to prospective au pairs? Click and save this link on your computer and you can quickly type in the city/town where the au pair lives and you will see what time it is before you call her: http://www.qlock.com/time/simple
Mistake 6: Not Getting Tough with the Agency during the Matching Process: During the matching process you will be assigned a placement counselor who sends you applications. If the agency is sending you applications that do not meet your family’s needs reject them. Be clear about what your most important criteria are in choosing an au pair (ex. excellent driving skills, experienced infant care, good English skills, etc.). If your agency will not work with you switch to one who will.
Tip: When we worked in the au pair industry, we experienced host parents that were very demanding during the matching process and refused to “settle.” Our agencies considered these parents as a nuisance; however, these same parents had successful matches year after year. Clearly, they were doing their homework and their methods worked.
Mistake 5: Matching with an Au Pair that Does Not Drive: This is a huge mistake – you may think you don’t need an au pair to drive (many host parents decide they will never allow their au pair to drive the children) but au pairs have to drive or have access to transportation to attend college classes; to get to au pair agency meetings (called cluster meetings that are held once a month) and to do her shopping, visit with other au pairs and just to get out of the house. Unless you live in a large city with public transportation right outside your door, do not match with an au pair that does not drive!
Tip: Don’t expect your au pair who is a non-driver to stay in the house all the time when she is not working. This is not a healthy situation for any of you as she will become socially isolated and depressed as a result. One family matched with a Thai, not expecting her to drive. She was wonderful with the baby, but after three months virtually housebound, the au pair demanded a car of her own. The parents ended up buying her a car and paying for expensive driving lessons but the au pair had a serious car accident because she was a new and nervous driver. You must approach the au pair experience with a commitment to choosing an au pair who drives and have a car available to her once she arrives.
Mistake 4: Matching with an Au Pair that has a Boyfriend: Many au pairs sign up for the program even though are in serious relationship with a boyfriend. They both think they can be apart for 12 months, but eventually, the couple starts to miss each other. They may spend a lot of time and money calling and emailing each other multiple times a day. The boyfriend may start to tell your au pair she made a mistake – and if he “wins” the day, you lose big time because your au pair very will break the match and return home to him! If she doesn’t go home, and tries to stick out the long 12 months, she may end up miserable and unhappy. In that case, your lovesick au pair’s concentration may be impaired and she loses interest in everything. When this happens, your children may be placed at considerable risk. Either way, you will lose money, time and peace of mind if you match with a girl who has a serious boyfriend waiting for her back home. Ask her nicely during the interview “Do you have a boyfriend?” If she says yes, our advice is to pass on her – even if she seems terrific. We have seen many good matches break over the “boyfriend” issue.
Tip: Agents and au pairs are becoming aware that experienced host families do not match with girls who are involved with a boyfriend at home. The au pairs are advised to deny they have a boyfriend if the host parents inquiry, but there is a way around this. It sounds a little sneaky, but it works. If after the au pair says “no” to the question “Do you have a boyfriend” drop it and come back to it again, unexpectedly. Later, in the conversation, ask, “What does your boyfriend think about that?” Usually, caught off guard and if the girl is honest and not used to fabricating stories, she will (and if she indeed has a boyfriend) answer in the affirmative “Well, my boyfriend thinks …”
Mistake 3: Matching with a Party Girl: In the au pair industry, we label girls who go out every night and weekend, dancing and drinking and cavorting with men, “Party Girls” and this is often putting it lightly. How do you avoid a Party Girl? Ask the right questions: “What do you do on weekends?” “What are you most interested in doing when you get to the USA?” and “Why did you decide to become an au pair?” If your prospective au pair tells you she cannot wait to try the clubs in NYC or in LA, think carefully about matching with her. Party Girls are more likely to bring male strangers into your home and car, get pregnant, become engaged and move out of your home before your 12 month contract is up!
Tip: Take a look at her pictures that will accompany her application and letter. If most of the shots are with friends, hanging out at the beach, drinking beer, dancing at clubs wearing skimpy dresses, and you see very little of her family, think Party Girl. One host dad always looks at the pictures first, even before reading the application. What does he look for - family shots where everyone looks happy, close with extended family present. He also looks to see if the au pair’s outfits are conservative and that she has a neat and tidy appearance. The photos that are most revealing are the ones that are not taken for the application packet, so look for family celebrations: birthdays, holiday or vacation photos.
Mistake 2: Not Listening to your Local Community Counselor/Local Representative. Your local counselor is often critical to your success with the family’s year with their au pair. Good counselors have the resources and experience that will assist you when you flounder; provide social meetings and support to your au pair and generally is there for you a phone call away. If she does not know the answer to your questions, she will find out from the agency. If there is a problem, be open to her suggestions and try it out. Your relationship and ability to trust your counselor is very important particularly if you are a first time host family.
Tip: You should interview the counselor before you sign up with an agency. Most agencies will give you the counselor’s name and phone number (ask if you can call them to get more information about the program). Find out how many years experience they have; their education and background (do they hold a degree in social work or psychology or counseling – many do, but it is not a requirement). Ask questions about scenarios that may come up such as “What will you do if I decide the au pair can no longer stay with us?” “Where does my au pair meet you and the other au pairs?” “Will you help me with the matching process, if yes, how?” “What is the coverage for night and weekend emergencies?” Also, do you get a sense that you can work with her personality? If not, shop around with other agencies until you find a counselor that you feel comfortable with and that is experienced, professional and has a positive personality.
Top # 1 Mistake Parents Make: Matching with an Au Pair Who Does Not Speak English! This is a one of the most common mistakes host families make with dire consequences on your time and wallet. You must understand and accept the Number One Reason young women join au pair programs is to improve their English skills. You may speak her language, but don’t assume that others can, including your family! Your children and your spouse must be able to speak to her, as well as the local counselor. Don’t assume counselors are bi-lingual because the majority of them are not. If you have a conflict with the au pair, or she needs legal or medical assistance, you may be the only one who can communicate with her and to others. Remember host moms; this is not a language program for you – it is a language program for the au pair!
Tip: Don’t expect your au pair to stay with your family if English is your second language and you and your family always speak your first language in the home. When host families only speak their native tongue instead of English, the majority of au pairs will become very unhappy with this arrangement (even if they agreed to it initially). She will most likely ask for a rematch with “a real American family that speaks English in the home.” So, if you are French, Russian or Hispanic, etc., and refuse to speak English in your home, you may not find an au pair who is willing to spend her entire year with you. You must approach the au pair experience with a commitment to speaking English with your au pair.
About the Author
I have worked in the au pair industry for over 10 years. When I retired, I left with many years of experience working with au pairs from over 40 countries and with over 200 host families.
I decided to start a website to help host families find the best agency and the best au pair for their families. I know all the mistakes host families can make and these mistakes can be costly, time consuming and most importantly, harmful to their children.
Our mission at www.AuPairClearinghouse is to help families avoid these mistakes so they can have the best au pair experience. I worked with so many wonderful au pairs from all over the world and their host families loved them, and treated the girls as if they were part of their family.
I also worked with au pairs who came to the USA for all the wrong reasons or they were running away from problems at home or they had mental health issues.
We are the only national consumer based information site that reports and reviews the au pair industry.
In my free time, I enjoy my little farm in Virginia with my husband and three children where we garden and raise chickens and horses.
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